Christine Melton
How do we know if we are lost?
At forty-eight he still had not found that one woman he’d longed for all his life. That one woman who would share his love of life, golf, native American lore and…John Denver. He had been in a five-year relationship with a woman he’d known in high school. They met at a reunion and rekindled their friendship. The feelings between them were lopsided with little in common and he fell into despair of his bland existence.
So, in a desperate attempt to turn the tide of his unhappiness he had travelled to New Mexico to visit El Santuario de Chimayo. In the small room to the left of the chapel, the walls were covered with expressions of thanks for the cures of ailments and hopes realized. Discarded canes, braces and wheelchairs were considered proof of the miracles of El Santuario. He was hoping for his own miracle that his true soulmate would soon appear. With a prayer, he scraped a bit of the dirt from the hole in which held the miracle and placed it into the metal box he’d brought. In that small thimble full of dust held his deepest desire. He returned to his home and placed it on the mantel.
A year and a half later he began attending a church. And there SHE was. He felt an immediate connection to her. He fell in love. But she was very married. Her husband was the president of the church board and very popular. She was a pillar in the community. It got complicated. He became a church board member as well. She became good friends with his girlfriend. They saw a lot of each other through their social events and all four became good friends. People started taking note of the bountiful energy created when the two of them were together. It was becoming obvious to everyone. There was just something special about their connection. The light in the room got brighter. People smiled a lot with them.
Then one moonless evening, at a church outing, the El Santuario miracle made itself known. In a moment when they were alone, SHE realized she was in love with HIM. He declared he’d been in love with her for years. And in those precious moments, their lives were changed forever. It was an enlightening time for awhile for the members of that church. Some people had a difficult time with it all. Here were 4 very visible congregants rearranging their lives. With difficult decisions made, a year later 125 church members celebrated their marriage and witnessed the miracle playing itself out on their stage.
In a couple of years, they moved to the country. It was a beautiful 30-acre parklike setting with two houses. The perfect place for the retreat center she wanted to start. He saw the specific spot for his Native American medicine wheel and envisioned future ceremonies. They went full throttle into their plans. Life was good.
Then one day in early spring news was given he had been diagnosed with a rare cancer that could not be cured. They saw their hopeful aspirations begin to deteriorate and life became a struggle. The treatments were worse than the cancer, and his once healthy, fit body was disappearing. He felt like he was losing himself.
He rested his right arm on the metal pad on the chair that had become his home – the wheelchair where he sat to ponder the rest of his days. He stared out at the soon to be frozen lake. Silent. No words could he utter to explain how lost he felt. Nowhere to go forward, too painful to look back. He was coming to the end. He knew it but hope still hung around his thoughts even though they were dissipating like the fog that rose from the lake each morning. He was stuck in a body that could no longer support his dreams of happiness with the woman he loved so much. He had so much to live for; so much more to do. Now he knew there would be no more backpacking together, driving down the country roads from small town to small town, singing John Denver songs till even John Denver would have said STOP.
He knew that not even a trip to El Santurio would fix this.
One day she came to him and asked, “Are you dying? Because you aren’t living either.” It was a harsh question but one that had to be asked. She continued, “If you want to live, then give it everything you’ve got. Pull out all the stops. And if you want to die, then give it everything you’ve got. Die with the same gusto in which you lived.”
He continued staring out the window. It was about noon and the diamonds were dancing on the lake water, glistening like stars. He did not respond. The question just hung in the air. He knew he was dying. He was done with anger. He felt no joy. Tears didn’t even come anymore. He felt numb. And he felt truly lost.
She sat in the swirling warm water of the hot tub; her evening solace after all the caregivers and friends were gone. She was alone then. The strength to make it through the horrors of each day would melt away and she would wonder what life was going to be without him. Where would she go? Would she continue on with the retreat? Would she leave this beautiful, peaceful land she had grown to love and head back to the city and begin another new life. It had been a blissful six years full of events that create strong memories with single moments that hang forever in the mind. And more than anything she did not want that miraculous life to end. Now both their dreams were crumbling and neither of them knew what to do. They were both lost.
A sturdy log raft was built with four poles on each corner for pall bearers. It was a cold, blustery November. As the group circled the Medicine wheel firepit, each friend placed into the basket on top of the raft an item that reminded them of their cherished friend. The basket also contained aspects of his life. A doctorate hood. A mini pipe used for ceremonies. A rock because he’d taught they were alive – as was everything alive. But, now not him. Or was he? Was he no longer lost? Alive in a new way?
The raft was carried to the edge of the lake and dowsed with gasoline. With a full-throttled shove, the pallbearers sent it into the middle of the lake. As the flaming arrow pierced the basket, it burst into flames. Joyous hurrahs were heard from the friends standing at the bank. He was sent on his way and hopefully no longer lost.
As for her, she remained there to continue the work her husband had helped her begin. Over the next few years, she found her peace in knowing he was always around her, guiding and helping her. Finally, one day, she realized she, too, was no longer lost. She was alive in a new way.
Copyright 2023, Christine Melton All Rights Reserved
